September 26, 2009 at 1:05am I gave birth to a 5lb 10.2oz little ET looking child that was so ugly that it made me cry. Six hours later, he was the most beautiful child I had ever seen in my entire life. The funny thing? I didn’t love him any more or any less than I did six hours prior. I’d have loved him unconditionally if he’d remained that little ET looking child until I took my last breath.
From the moment I saw two lines on that pregnancy test, I have loved this little boy. Then I head his heartbeat, then I saw his face, then I felt his kicks, then I learned he was my son, then I heard him cry, then I saw him flare his nose like his mama, and then I watched him sleep. Even my mother’s advice couldn’t prepare me for how much I would love this little person. For 37 weeks I carried him in my womb and when I finally got to hold him in my arms, all the pain and bed rest, all the hospital visits and hormonal weeping sessions were worth it. Less than six pounds of unequivocal joy was laid into my arms and I knew in that moment, no one in the world would ever love my son the way that I do.
These six years have been such an eye opening experience. Being a new mom is one of the scariest journeys I have ever taken, but I followed the example of an amazing woman who taught me everything about being a mother. I like to think I’m doing it right by my son. He’s happy, he’s healthy, and I go to whatever lengths I have to to make sure his life is full of love and hope.
Every single moment with him is a moment I cherish. Even with his diagnosis, there is nothing in this world I would ever change about my son. Yes, his meltdowns are taxing. Yes, his sensory overload is overwhelming for us both. Yes, I have days where I will sit in a corner and cry my eyes out because I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I can’t make my son happy. There are also amazing moments when my son looks at me and gives me a full sentence without coaching. There are moments when he just wraps his little arms around me and tells me “Thank you, mama.” for the littlest things. There are moments at night when he asks me to help him pray and sing Sunshine to him before he goes to bed. There are those amazing smiles and his infectious laugh. There is a way that my son sees the world and he was meant to see it that way. My son was given to me the way he is for a reason and I have no right in the world to change that or to wish to change it. Who am I to question the blessing God has given me? No matter what ‘flaws’ others might think he has, my son is absolutely perfect the way he was given to me.
I plan for him to be my one and only. While I had always dreamed of having a huge family, he is the child that I was meant to mother. He is why I couldn’t have Gracie because God was leaving room for a huge blessing that I didn’t see coming. This kid makes my world spin and he doesn’t even know it and for six years I have been so blessed to be his mother. I have such bad days when all I want is a break, but he is my driving force in everything that I do.
I fear for the day that he gets too old to hug his mother, when he’s too big to sit on my lap, when he no longer wants me to sing to him at night before bed. I know how fast that day is coming and for every minute in the day, I wish multiple times they wouldn’t pass by so fast. He’s growing into such an awesome kid who works through therapy, does great in school, is so smart it makes my head spin, and he adores his family. He’s everything I ever wanted in a child and so much more that I don’t know what I did to deserve such a perfect son.
Happy Birthday, my monkey man. You have brought so much joy to my life and I am thankful for every day I get to be your mama. You make me proud beyond words and there is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do to make sure you’re happy and healthy and full of joy. Thank you so much for being my son and teaching me something new every single day about love. You’re growing way too fast, but you are growing into a handsome, determined, awesome young man and I know one day you’re going to make me even more proud of the man you become. I love you so much, little man. Happy Sixth Birthday.
Writing about it helps 